I am a projector………..

I am a Projector

I sat in silence staring at the perfect rear elevation of my two dear friend’s Tuscan styled villa.. The perfect Ojai morning transformed my soft exhalations into tiny clouds  that orbited my head. My head became the planet host of these diminuitive cumulus vapours. I was a camera. Taking emotional photos as I scanned the stucco, windows and cast iron railings of the small balconies. I have been in this exact place countless times.

Sitting in the middle of joyous events I would partake and observe the gatherings  and there were many. Birthdays, graduations, a wedding, anniversaries and just spontaneous get togethers. The emotional images that paraded across my imagination should have been accompanied by boisterous laughter, conversation and live or DJ music.   I sat silent and alone in my imaginary silent movie theater I was the lonely actor watching a series of films that I had played many parts in.

emotional images

Some major roles. Some walk ons and extra roles.           The music and voices  became distant  As they receded they became swallowed by the echo of time. A well known and over used effect in melancholic moody films. much like the one I was in on  this clear, cool beautiful morning!  Some images were painful, some cracked a smile or polite outburst of laughter There were moments that I thought I could edit out the bad parts, or replace the dialogue so that I wouldn’t have to feel the way I do now in my future, which has now become my “now, “my present, my life.

So here I sat, no real lthoughts, just one lonely man as audience  watching, no: not watching,feeling  the montage of images that would be invisible to any witness to this strange silent event. Then I realized, I wasn’t just a camera. I wrote ,created ,directed and acted in this emotional silent personal oeuvre d’art full of obvious symbols of life as it was then, and as it is now and I was the projector  I felt the tears blurring the tiny vapour clouds floating around the planet that was my head. I heard a distant radio predict rain,

I cried uncontrollably. Planet Marvin was inundated with unseasonable levels of precipitation. As I have of late, I didn’t fight the tears. I just let them flow. I guess I need to purge. “Why?” doesn’t matter now. What is important is that I feel much better afterwards  So tears have been large and frequent in my present life I’m okay with them. There will be time to understand and analyze……not now…….be well…….M

 Again unedited or proof read before posting, sorry for any typos etc……..M

One thought on “I am a projector………..

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